Archive for June 26, 2017

The 7 C’s of Compatibility

“A relationship will eventually turn love inside out. And the test is whether you can love from both sides.” – Terri Guillemets, “The next day,” 1989

I’m not a relationship expert.  Admittedly, I have mastered the art of breaking up.

After a number of failed relationships, I pulled together a list of traits that I feel make up compatibility. These traits fall into seven buckets, which I call “The 7 C’s of Compatibility”.

How you and a partner rate each other based on these traits make up a Compatibility Index. This is my attempt to use logic to assess or justify a breakup (for those of you who are feeling restless and uncertain), but more importantly, for couples to be able to understand and strengthen their relationships. Perception doesn’t necessarily mirror reality, so hopefully this tool can help put things into perspective from both sides.

Here are the 7 C’s in no particular order:

• Communication
• Chemistry
• Commitment
• Care
• Challenge
• Compromise
• Consistency

1) Indicate the importance of each trait on a scale of 1 to 5. (1=least, 5=most)
2) Rate your partner out of 5 on each trait. (1=weak, 5=strong)
3) Multiply your weighting with each of the 7 ratings.
4) Add up each number for your final score.
5) Compare your score with your partner’s and discuss them. It’s important to take a positive approach vs. playing the blame game. If you’ve recently gone through a breakup or you’re contemplating a breakup, you can also do this exercise to gain perspective. You can even re-evaluate previous relationships.

Anything missing? Any questions? Any shockers? Open to expanding or contracting this list.

When to walk away

“Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able is courage. Walking away, with your head held high is dignity. Knowledge, Wisdom, and Insight may sound like synonyms, but they are not.” – anonymous

A number of my friends in a relationship are struggling with the question, “How do I know if and when I should walk away?”

This is something I’ve wrestled with for many years. On one end of a seesaw, there’s honouring your self worth, and on the other end, there’s recognizing an act of self sabotage.

When there’s balance in your life, you’re not questioning whether you’re good enough for a person or job. On the flip side, you’re not pushing away a meaningful relationship or opportunity by planting negative thoughts in your mind. (e.g. unwarranted jealousy or unprovoked fear) Another way to gauge whether you should walk away is to ask yourself: Have I learned everything I need to learn in this relationship? Can I fully be myself around him/her?

Red flag: If you live in fear, stop walking on egg shells and determine what you value in a relationship (and in yourself) to understand your deal breakers.

I took this photo the day I happened to hand back the last of an ex’s things so I could give my current relationship (and heart), the space it deserves. Yes, those are said ex bf’s shoes. He was supportive of modelling for this photo, but had no idea what the context would be, but neither did I at the time. Do you have some spring cleaning to do?

Heartbreak

Toss the bouquet toss


“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” — C.G. Jung

 

There is a time and place for Beyonce’s classic “Single Ladies” song, which is fun, upbeat and empowering when you want it to be. (i.e. At a bachelorette party)

When you’re a 36 year old single lady surrounded by a bunch of married couples and children and it’s the anthem used to reel in all the single ladies at a wedding onto the dance floor for a bouquet toss, it’s dreadful.

As the dj cranks up the music, the emcee is scanning the room like a hawk, calling upon random women…so far the oldest one on the floor is in her late teens.

Don’t make eye contact.

I sink down in my seat, looking as small as I feel. As I peer over to my left, I’m now at eye level with my 3 yr old nephew.

Nephew

Nephew: “Can I see your hands? Can I see your hands?”

Me: “Why? What?”

Nephew: “I don’t see a ring. I don’t see a ring? Gooo!”

Even my little nephew is in on the shaming!

I turn to my right, fixated on my cousin’s girlfriend’s meal. Suddenly, I see a heart on her chicken breast. And there it is, a reminder that I am loved.

Chicken